Letting Go

by Jaime V. Pitner, MICP, RHC

We hold on to so much in life. Just take a look in your closet, garage, or attic, it's hard to discard things, especially when they have some emotional attachment. When we've had something a long time, why get rid of it now? Old habits are like this. These things become part of us, part of our lives and of who we are. Things we spend so much of our time with, or have a personal investment in, are difficult to let go of. 

We get emotionally invested through past judgments, political positions, feelings, pride and ego. We find ourselves continually defending our way of thinking. Not only do we fight endless battles with others, but we fight them with ourselves, reliving discussions and rehearsing future arguments. Like the saying goes...."a person convinced against their will, is of the same opinion still!".  How many times are we that person!

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do, is call my parents to let them know that my wife of ten years had filed for divorce. To my astonishment my father calmly replied; "well then...just let her go". This was almost incomprehensible to me at the time, because my mind was consumed with the need to hold on, and find some way to keep our marriage together. This need was fueled by every familiar object and event that reminded me about the years we had spent together. The most intense feelings were evoked anytime I looked at my three children.
Over the course of ten years I had accumulated a lot of things, a house filled with objects that represented my life. I know now that's why I decided to just give everything to her in the divorce settlement. Even the smallest of items could bring about intense emotion, it was just too painful. Although I couldn't explain to my family or friends why I gave everything away, I must have intuitively known what was best for me at the time.  My body new that these things had a toxic effect on my well-being and intuitively responded for my survival.  I had to let go.
 Letting go of the objects and possessions we once shared, was an archetype for letting go of  a loveless marriage. When I finally let go, my life began to grow.  By relinquishing the objects and the emotions that caused me so much anguish, I let go of the run-away train of despair and negativity. The inner process of healing in mind, body and spirit was now unhindered. The ability to travel in a positive direction of my choosing was now possible. I found the confidence to
connect with the good and valued person I knew I was inside. I excelled in my career, obtained my black belt in martial arts and best of all I found the women who is my soul mate. 

We store up things in our unconscious mind like we pack possessions into an attic. As we go about life acquiring experiences, we can only use them one at a time, the rest are put away for later. We forget about how we think and feel about things until something triggers our response. The process seems so automatic and out of our control, even though our past feelings may not apply now in the present. This process often creates barriers to us moving forward.

Thoughts are like this, the thought that is currently in our conscious mind will evoke an associated thought sent to us by our unconscious mind. These triggers automatically bring up associated emotions and thought processes. Past experiences and judgments sometimes make it difficult for us to let go, because of our prior conditioning. Past events can bring about regrets and depression. Fears and worries of the future create anxiety. These negative feelings and other negative emotions like anger and frustration can be strong barriers in our lives.
To begin to move forward and feel good, we must first LET GO of  these things that are holding us down. Then we can then more easily chose our path and direction, making choices that evoke good feelings of contentment or happiness.

You CAN control this process. Once you are aware that it's started, you can stop it right in it's tracks. As soon as you find your mind taking you to distressing thoughts of the past or future, say to yourself STOP, that's not good for me, that's not what I want. RELAX, and LET GO, then move on to thoughts of your choosing, evoking feelings of comfort rather than distress.

Think of these troubling thoughts and emotions as a violent attacker blocking the path to your happiness, intending to do you harm. Now imagine yourself as a skilled and serene master of the martial arts, able to deflect any attack by just stepping out of the way and letting it pass by. With confidence you know by LETTING IT GO, the threat will be left behind you and your way will be clear.  Now, we don't always know when another attacker may jump onto our path, but if we stay there and fight we will be injured and  the struggle will prevent us from
continuing on our journey. 

When I first began my martial arts training, a had a recurring dream.  I would come face to face with an opponent and begin to defend myself with my newly acquired skills. My abilities we astounding, but I couldn't seem to gain the upper hand.  No matter what move I made, my opponent seamed to know in advance every attack I tried. The dreams of  these frustratingly endless fights continued off and on for some weeks. Then one day it came to me, my opponent was able to counter every move I made because...he was me!  He didn't look like me, but my mind made him, it was my dream.  He knew every move because I new every move! When I realized I was only fighting with myself, the dreams ended. 

Most of our conflicts in life really happen this way.  It's not the actual argument, worry, fear, or frustration itself, but what we do with it in our own head.  Whenever you find yourself struggling with something in your mind, and know you're only fighting with yourself, that's the signal to LET IT GO! 

In my stress management program, I describe the act of letting go by telling the story of two water skiers.  The first water skier  has fallen, but is still being pulled by the speed boat.  He holds desperately onto the tow line, and is painfully bashed against the water. After the operator of the boat finally sees what's happening, he stops the boat. The skier swims to the boat screaming;  "What did you think you were doing!...didn't you see me killing myself back there!...how could you do such a thing!...why didn't you stop the boat when I fell!  Then the operator replied;..." why didn't you just LET GO".

The other skier is experienced, after loosing his balance, he immediately and instinctively lets go of the tow line. Then slowly and smoothly fading down into the water, he enjoys the moment to cool off, as he floats in the water waiting for the boat to come back around to him. 

We can think of the operator of the boat as our anger, frustration, guilt, or anxiety, dragging us through troubled waters.  And like the inexperienced skier, holding on tightly only brings injury to ourselves. 

All we have to do is just LET GO, and solutions will come to us, just like the boat came back around. Solutions come without effort, when we LET GO of these negative feelings, the door is opened to our well-being.

Worry is particularly a problem because of our false belief;  "if I only worry about it enough, it will get better."  This also applies to problem solving;  " if I only concentrate on the problem hard enough, I'll find the answer." These false beliefs are quite seductive because we feel as if we are actively doing something to find our solutions. This activity fools us, like a squirrel in a squirrel cage, running fast
as we can, but really not getting anywhere.  The answers seem to be right there, somewhere just ahead. 

The truth is that the solutions are right there, but when we're actively thinking, we're only employing 10 % of the resources of our mind. This 10 % is our conscious mind, the tremendous resource of our unconscious mind is the other 90%. The activity of our own conscious inner chatter, can drown-out the soft voice of our unconscious mind trying to provide the solution. Our action therefore must be to consciously delegate the job to our unconscious. 

Think of this as going into your favorite restaurant, sitting down at a nice table, placing your order and waiting in confidence and comfort until your meal arrives at the table.

I recommend using a key word trigger to help:  RELAX and LET IT GO.  Use
this in combination with a deep breath and on the exhale say these words.  Repeat this with each breath, developing a relaxed and easy rhythm. Feel your shoulders drop, and your jaw become unclenched . Imagine all of the mental tension simultaneously melt away along with any physical tension. This deep breath communicates to your brain a message to initiate relaxation, by stopping the release of stress  hormones.  As your muscles relax, these too send the message back to the brain that no more stress hormones are needed, the threat is over, it's
OK to relax.

In this relaxed state, clear communication flows freely to your unconscious mind.  Tell it what you want, and sit back and let it do its work. The unconscious mind does what it thinks you want to do.  It wants to help, and will do everything it can when it knows and understands what to do.  Its important that you give it clear direction. The physical actions of deep breathing and muscle relaxation, combined
with, key word phrases, communicate a clear message to your unconscious mind (like a waiter giving the order to the kitchen), which carries out your order behind the scenes.

If you want to be relaxed and relieve tension say something like this:
"I FEEL RELAXED AND CALM...I FEEL ALL PHYSICAL AND MENTAL TENSION JUST MELTING AWAY...I FEEL AN INNER WARMTH OF PEACE AND SERENITY" 

Developing this skill is a powerful and liberating experience. Feel your confidence build as you see that you can control and redirect your life. But it all begins with the act of  LETTING GO, allowing you to move forward to find happiness and experience of your potential.